Too Old to Wear a Flat Brim

Dave,

You brilliant fashionista you... I have a question:

I was informed the other day by a co-worker that since I am older than 35, and have children, I am no longer allowed to do two things when it comes to head wear choices: 1) am not allowed wear a flat-rimmed hat 2) nor wear a hat backwards.

So what was my natural response you ask? I wore a flat-rimmed hat backwards to work the next day.

I disagree with this assessment, but what say you? Are there certain fashion choices that fathers/>5 crowd are no longer to partake in? Does this mean that my leopard-print yoga pants are taboo? My one-piece ski-suit is outlawed? Is it possible that wearing my flat-rimmed hat while driving the family mini-van will scare the shit out of a hipster as I drive by with Raffi blasting from the sound system?

Yours truely,
Young at heart

Dear Yahs:

Oh man. You just ruined the week for the lady of my household. She hasn't even read this shit and the psychic waves produced by my writing it are subconsciously giving her fits. She's dropping things...keeps looking over her shoulder...and she has no idea why. An actual conversation we had this weekend centered around why I owned two jackets with camouflage on them (If you must know, Cam gave me a puffy Dakine that nobody else in the NSMB orbit would touch and that I wear to take out the garbage, and one of my old coats had a camo lining. They're both now available at the 4th Avenue Salvation Army if you hurry). There will be some bemused expressions when she finds out that I'm handing out advice on how to dress.

Regardless of that, I'm worried here. About you. Yes, we're only talking about a hat with a brim that is potentially a teensy bit too straight. Maybe it covers your ears a smidgen as well. Probably this hat isn't going to be the end of the world and you could wear it without too many problems. But let's extrapolate things a little bit further. Picture the quintessence of the awful that hat can bring to the party. Close your eyes and picture the middle aged bro, straight outta the suburbs, hopping out of his pimped out minivan, rocking what I just decided to christen as "Monster Truck Fashion". He's got some hideously overwrought denim on, coupled with some DC shoes (oblivious to their legendary history in skateboarding), a Fox Head shirt (most likely unaware of all that they've done for motocross), and the cherry on top, capping it all off (ha ha, I didn't even mean to do that): a flat brimmed Monster Energy baseball cap (unfortunately all too aware that they are in the business of manufacturing sugared up piss water). There could even be some frosted tips or some shit lurking under that hat. You've seen this guy. You've laughed at him. You tell yourself this will never be you. But how did he get his start?  How on earth did these trends get so co-opted that middle aged assholes are wearing shit that should be nothing more than a source of embarrassment to some present day teenager scrolling through his family photos twenty years from now?  Why is it now acceptable for adult humans to dress this way?  Would our parents have ever done something like this?  Jesus Christ, no.

Before we get too far, let me just point out that there is nothing wrong with flat-brimmed baseball caps, per se. It's just one more thing white people appropriated from black culture and that Justin Bieber ruined for everybody*. No, the problem here is "cool". Our insistence upon pursuing it when we have no business worrying about such things, and no idea what it actually means. "Cool" is the domain of youngsters, with nothing better to worry about. "Cool" is what happens when you have no job, money or pastimes, and nothing but buckets of concern for what all those other assholes think about you. When your personality isn't developed enough to hold the attention of some fine young lass or lad. "Cool" should not be a consideration of anybody past the age of thirty-two. And kids?  Forget about it. You think your kids give a shit if you're "cool"?  No. They don't. It is only possible for them to think one of two things:

1) I'm ten years old (or younger) and my Dad is the coolest guy in the World.

2) My eleventh birthday was yesterday and holy shit are my parents weird.

Or...you know...there's some other options...but whatever. At no point do they think "Man, wouldn't it be awesome if my dad started dressing like the older kids at my school did five years ago?"  They're never excited that you scored some sweet kicks on clearance at Winners. Whatever you're doing, no matter what it is, it's the definition of "not cool". So stop trying. Stop pretending. Start acting (somewhat) your age. Accept that you're old and you're boring and that nobody thinks about you that way any longer. The best you can really hope is that the thing that your neighbours and the people at work make fun of you for is something other than your clothing. Hopefully they focus on your bad breath or your poor job performance instead. Getting rid of the flat brim is the easiest way to make this happen. And my god, is it ever a straight forward process to do so.

Step 1 - Look at your baseball cap. Does it have an actual logo for a baseball team on the front of it?  No?  Throw it out.

Step 2 - If you still have a hat, grab the sides of the brim with each hand. Subtly curve it a bit. Just oh so gently. We're not trying to curve it like some mid-90's hockey player living it up at the Roxy. We just want a tiny bit of a curve in there, so it follows the contour of your head a little bit.

See?  Easy. No problems.

And just consider. Who do you want to be when you grow up. This guy?